on: New years. This post is brought to you by the word "suck".

I could use this time to rant to you {although I am positive that no one reads this blog regularly even though I get views from places like Russia...} about how I do not believe in New Year's resolutions. But I have thoroughly worn out that rant for the past few years to anyone who mentions anything about them. So I don't particularly feel like getting into that. But as far as talking about years, I am not above that.

I've been thinking about years and life for, well, ever. Probably because I'm kind of bored with it all. But it is a strange concept to think about, really. Thinking about this past year is a whole big mix up of silliness. It started out with unsurety, then progressed to worry with a tinge of hope, which grew into complete suckiness with some new prospects, then it became emptiness and major suckness, then a couple weeks of too good to be true, then back to just as much suckness, then even more suckness. Then pretty much that continued until now. Over all there were about 4 nonconsecutive weeks of nonsuck. Which upon looking back at my year can make it worth it, but overall it was a pretty empty year.

I usually spend New Year's and new school years thinking about how I am going to make this year my year. About how things are finally going to be different. Things are finally going to start getting better instead of worse. I'll work really hard and be rewarded for my hard work. Well, I tried that. Didn't work out so hot. Worked on one occasion, but that was it. All of my extremely hard work of this year to prove myself in multiple areas and instances really didn't work out at all. It only made thing suck worse because I still wasn't rewarded or recognized for how much I worked for something that I in the end didn't get.

So, instead of hoping that this year will be the year that things finally go my way, and I will finally be happy I will give up instead. I expect nothing of this next year. This way I can't possibly be disappointed. Maybe I'll be happily surprised, and maybe I'll just be right about how unspectacular my year will be. But I guess I have to face that I have to stop hoping that just because it's a new year, or my birthday, or a new show that I'll magically be happy and everything will start being okay. Because I'm not just going to magically be happy. Which is kind of really annoying that I have to put so much effort into just feeling okay, and then maybe happy, but that's how I got through my sixteenth birthday. The birthday that every girl looks forward to for all of their life. It will be perfect. It will be great. I will be happy. I didn't even try. I wore my favorite dress and went to opening week rehearsal. I didn't even have a full piece of my cake. I didn't have a party. I didn't expect that people would actually be nice to me, or that I would simply be happy. And I must say, it was the best birthday I have even had.

Here's looking at a subpar new year!