on: Being.

Here's the thing, I've been wanting to post for a long time, but my laptop wouldn't let blogger come up for some reason. And it was not the usual error message that I get, so I just kept trying day after day. So here I finally am when I really need to be doing other things like SLEEPING or WRITING or SHOWERING or pretty much ANYTHING and I just had to write a post because who knows when this chance will come again? Really, the things is is that I'm too lazy to use a computer that is not my laptop to do anything computer related. There you go.

I know that it probably seems like I'm a pretty negative person based on what I write on this blog. That's because I just say what I want to say. And honestly, there aren't many positive things to talk about right meow. I literally have no friends. I am incredibly lonely. I am very behind in school. I have a million things I need to be doing at any given moment. And I have no outlet for anything that I am feeling even thought I do see a therapist. She doesn't count as much. I pay her to listen to me. Well, my parents and our insurance pays her to listen to me.

In person, though, I'm pretty bubbly. I act happy and smiley, I laugh and joke and say awkward things but that are charmingly awkward. Everyone who I've told how I really feel acts completely floored, stunned that I am not actually happy. Then pretty much I just think that they're stupid if they can't tell how much pain I'm in all the time. Here's the real kicker, though: it's like that public me is someone totally different. Sometimes I say things and at the same time I'm saying them I'm thinking, "Where is this even coming from? I don't feel or think this way at all." I've even caught myself acting stupider around people just so I can let loose and have fun and feel like I'm included and like them. Someone caught me on saying something completely idiotic once and she {brutally, she wasn't really the nicest girl} made fun of me. I was taken aback. I hadn't meant the completely dumb blonde joke-esque thing I'd said. I just wanted to feel like she was my friend because she was all I had. So I decided to take the route of looking at her like she was crazy and I had, of course, been kidding. I don't know if she even picked up on that...

Something I've noticed about myself is that I am incredibly malleable. I have a pretty weak personality, not going to lie. If I'm hanging around somebody I start acing like them almost instantly. Then later I feel completely stupid because THAT'S NOT WHO I AM. I gave off a totally wrong first impression of myself to anyone that was there. I honestly don't know how to be ME. I try really hard to, but it's difficult when I'm the only one like me. And I don't me in the everyone's unique kind of way, but in the I have a different sense of humor, different interests, different style, and no friends kind of way. Sometimes I wonder where I would be if I didn't have those few things in my life that never change and are always true.