on: Blue.

So there's this book called "The Color Code" by Dr. Taylor Hartman. As I was lying in bed just now trying to go to sleep (and not succeeding very well, mind you) I was thinking of all sorts of possible things as is custom. Recently I have taken to thinking of all the possible friendships and slash or love interests that could be in my life right now if something drastic happened and human contact was actually made with me. It has been a common theme in my quest to find friends for the past year for me to think about personality types and how they go together. Also, I'm just one of those weirdos who thinks that kind of thinking is fun. Then it dawned on me. I'm a blue personality type. Blue personality types feel fulfillment in their life based on intimacy. There is absolutely no possible way that a blue without friends cannot feel in the deepest depths of depression. The very thing that makes their life worth living is nonexistent. This revelation was so astounding to me (which I really, really should have realized it long ago because I pretty much treat "The Color Code" like the Bible of self analysis) so much so that I jumped out of bed and came to write a post about it. No wonder I feel so out of sorts! No wonder I feel so purposeless! No wonder I feel so lost! I feel like I can finally feel okay that I feel this way. And if I knew I had any readers I would perhaps change that sentence so someone who wasn't me could understand it, but I know that I do not so I'm leaving it.

Here's the thing, though: I still need to make friends somehow before I can stop feeling like I'm reeling through a giant pointless black hole that is utterly never ending. And I've been trying to do that for a while because I've known for a while that the fact I that I don't have friends is seriously affecting me. And clearly I can't just do what I've been doing for the past 11 months because it's not working and will most likely not work in the future. I need to go outside of my comfort zone. Way outside of it. Which will suck the most massive balls that I can even imagine. But living without a purpose for until I just so happen to stumble into friendship (and, let's face it, that probably won't happen until I go to college, and I can't STAND waiting two more years hoping someone will reach out to me) isn't going to cut it.

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. But I have to do it.

on: Waking up late.

I just decided that waking up late when you're depressed is nice because it gives you less day to deal with. This is only a good idea, though, if you aren't doing anything on this day or else major anxiety will kick in which will inevitably lead to a mental breakdown.

on: Being.

Here's the thing, I've been wanting to post for a long time, but my laptop wouldn't let blogger come up for some reason. And it was not the usual error message that I get, so I just kept trying day after day. So here I finally am when I really need to be doing other things like SLEEPING or WRITING or SHOWERING or pretty much ANYTHING and I just had to write a post because who knows when this chance will come again? Really, the things is is that I'm too lazy to use a computer that is not my laptop to do anything computer related. There you go.

I know that it probably seems like I'm a pretty negative person based on what I write on this blog. That's because I just say what I want to say. And honestly, there aren't many positive things to talk about right meow. I literally have no friends. I am incredibly lonely. I am very behind in school. I have a million things I need to be doing at any given moment. And I have no outlet for anything that I am feeling even thought I do see a therapist. She doesn't count as much. I pay her to listen to me. Well, my parents and our insurance pays her to listen to me.

In person, though, I'm pretty bubbly. I act happy and smiley, I laugh and joke and say awkward things but that are charmingly awkward. Everyone who I've told how I really feel acts completely floored, stunned that I am not actually happy. Then pretty much I just think that they're stupid if they can't tell how much pain I'm in all the time. Here's the real kicker, though: it's like that public me is someone totally different. Sometimes I say things and at the same time I'm saying them I'm thinking, "Where is this even coming from? I don't feel or think this way at all." I've even caught myself acting stupider around people just so I can let loose and have fun and feel like I'm included and like them. Someone caught me on saying something completely idiotic once and she {brutally, she wasn't really the nicest girl} made fun of me. I was taken aback. I hadn't meant the completely dumb blonde joke-esque thing I'd said. I just wanted to feel like she was my friend because she was all I had. So I decided to take the route of looking at her like she was crazy and I had, of course, been kidding. I don't know if she even picked up on that...

Something I've noticed about myself is that I am incredibly malleable. I have a pretty weak personality, not going to lie. If I'm hanging around somebody I start acing like them almost instantly. Then later I feel completely stupid because THAT'S NOT WHO I AM. I gave off a totally wrong first impression of myself to anyone that was there. I honestly don't know how to be ME. I try really hard to, but it's difficult when I'm the only one like me. And I don't me in the everyone's unique kind of way, but in the I have a different sense of humor, different interests, different style, and no friends kind of way. Sometimes I wonder where I would be if I didn't have those few things in my life that never change and are always true.