on: Blue.

So there's this book called "The Color Code" by Dr. Taylor Hartman. As I was lying in bed just now trying to go to sleep (and not succeeding very well, mind you) I was thinking of all sorts of possible things as is custom. Recently I have taken to thinking of all the possible friendships and slash or love interests that could be in my life right now if something drastic happened and human contact was actually made with me. It has been a common theme in my quest to find friends for the past year for me to think about personality types and how they go together. Also, I'm just one of those weirdos who thinks that kind of thinking is fun. Then it dawned on me. I'm a blue personality type. Blue personality types feel fulfillment in their life based on intimacy. There is absolutely no possible way that a blue without friends cannot feel in the deepest depths of depression. The very thing that makes their life worth living is nonexistent. This revelation was so astounding to me (which I really, really should have realized it long ago because I pretty much treat "The Color Code" like the Bible of self analysis) so much so that I jumped out of bed and came to write a post about it. No wonder I feel so out of sorts! No wonder I feel so purposeless! No wonder I feel so lost! I feel like I can finally feel okay that I feel this way. And if I knew I had any readers I would perhaps change that sentence so someone who wasn't me could understand it, but I know that I do not so I'm leaving it.

Here's the thing, though: I still need to make friends somehow before I can stop feeling like I'm reeling through a giant pointless black hole that is utterly never ending. And I've been trying to do that for a while because I've known for a while that the fact I that I don't have friends is seriously affecting me. And clearly I can't just do what I've been doing for the past 11 months because it's not working and will most likely not work in the future. I need to go outside of my comfort zone. Way outside of it. Which will suck the most massive balls that I can even imagine. But living without a purpose for until I just so happen to stumble into friendship (and, let's face it, that probably won't happen until I go to college, and I can't STAND waiting two more years hoping someone will reach out to me) isn't going to cut it.

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. But I have to do it.